Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
