if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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