Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize