I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
