john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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