I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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