dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
