I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
did i walk over a car last night?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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