Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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