You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
