I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
