we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
