My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
