So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize