Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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