why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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