so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
