Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
