Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
