So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
