Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
