I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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