I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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