I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
