im calling her cock vulture from now on
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I AM VODKA MAN
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
