Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
