Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
