Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
