Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
