It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize