If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
