he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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