my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
