Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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