My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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