i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
