Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
