It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
