I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
