Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
