How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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