i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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