this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
