my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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