I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
