I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
