I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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