hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
