Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I didn't notice because vodka
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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