I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
