There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
