I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
