worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
