You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
