That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
