I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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