You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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