I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
